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Fruits of Fall
Autumn is a time for self-reflection and change.
by Dr. Marilyn G. Chotem October 2005
Bi-monthly
"Adaptations" Column
in the Lifestyles & Culture section of
The Canadian Immigrant Magazine
www.thecanadianimmigrant.com
When I close my eyes and think of autumn, I see warm colours and rich images of falling leaves, harvest moons and spectacular sunsets. I also look forward to the annual trek to the farmer's roadside store in Langley.
We load up on apples, pears, potatoes, onions and squash to get us through the next months, and at prices well below supermarket fare in Vancouver. Indian summers delay the inevitable return of winter's ruthless measures. It is truly a time to
count our blessings.
Harvesting the earth reminds us of our personal fruitions. How are we using our talents, sensitivities, strengths and character? Recognizing your individuality and your contributions to your environment, however
small, is good for self-esteem building.
Self-esteem can never be underrated, in my mind. Low self-esteem robs us of the confidence to use our potential and makes important relationships seem frightening. Self-criticism can become so
habitual, we stop noticing its negative impact on our mood, self-worth and relationships. Low self-esteem is the hidden cancer in our social fabric, and well worth fighting, consciously.
Fall is also a time of fresh starts. There is hope
in new beginnings. We may hope to make new friends, do well in school, get a better job or learn a new hobby. The possibilities seem more plentiful when we are refreshed by summer breaks and not yet weighed down by excess demands or bad
weather. This rhythmic cycle of returning to tasks after summer holidays gives adults and children alike a shared enthusiasm for routine structure.
We need structure and routine, but we also need to stretch out of the usual to actualize
new areas of innate potential. We need to challenge our self-limiting beliefs and complacencies. Discovering new interests, capabilities or responsibilities helps us feel more alive and more fulfilled. It is also another aspect of self-esteem
building. We need to feel purposeful and to take pride in our contributions, however small or large. We are needed and we are connected. We all matter.
So take some time to marvel at your own rich colours and the interesting ways you
change the lives of those around you. Dr. Marilyn G. Chotem, Ed.D., is a registered psychologist #773 with a private practice in North Vancouver. Of Russian-Jewish
heritage, Chotem was born in Seattle, Washington, and moved to Canada in 1975. |
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Through Children's Eyes
Immigration has a unique impact on children
as they flow into a new society.
by Dr. Marilyn G. Chotem August 2005
Bi-monthly "Adaptations" Column
in the Lifestyles & Culture section of
The Canadian Immigrant Magazine
www.thecanadianimmigrant.com Coming to Canada opens doors to new possibilities for you and your children. These opportunities may be wonderful, but
your children will have many adjustments to make, and parents should be aware of their unique experiences.
For example, immigrant children are often under more expectations and pressures than Canadian-born children. Immigrant children
may speak multiple languages and are straddling cultures. They must juggle parental pressures to maintain traditional values and customs, with peer pressures to conform to Canadian practices.
Peers may also express subtle or blatant
prejudice against immigrants, particularly visible minorities, which can be as damaging to social relationships and self-esteem as childhood abuse in the family.
Where fresh water meets and flows into ocean water, it is turbulent.
Immigrant children flowing into the larger community also experience turbulence before integration.
Now add to the multiple challenges of adjusting to a new culture and language, the challenges of family life. Families with financial
means may have an advantage over poor families. Poverty in Canada is correlated with increased mental health problems in children, such as attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, anxiety and conduct disorder. While
poor immigrant children are found to have less prevalence of mental health problems than poor Canadian-born children, they both have more problems than non-poor children.
On the other hand, immigrant families with greater affluence
often have absent fathers. Fathers carry on working in their countries of origin while the mother and children establish lives in Canada. Children benefit most from two parents who are actively involved in their development. Children whose
father is away may idealize or fear the absent parent. Girls may grow up having difficulty trusting in intimate relationships. Boys may grow up feeling a need to prove their value to the absent father.
Mothers having to work and parent
face more challenges than mothers who enjoy parenting and are able to stay at home. Single mothers may have difficulty providing structure and limits with children. Also, they may turn to their children to meet their own emotional needs, thus
compromising their children's needs by crossing generational boundaries. A mother who is well supported by a spouse and extended family is more able to provide nurturing, guidance, limits, encouragement and extracurricular activities.
Unfortunately for immigrants and people born in Canada in larger urban areas, the cost of living usually necessitates that both parents work. Working parents may be too busy to tune into their children's difficulties outside or within the
home. Children suffering from discrimination or hate outside the home may become depressed, withdrawn or act out. Parents who are exposed to hate and prejudice at work may suffer, as well, though they may cope in different ways. For example,
the hurt and anger may cause parents to take out their emotions on their children, or turn to drugs or alcohol for coping.
On an airplane, parents are instructed to put the oxygen mask over their face before helping their children. It
is the same in life. Parents who attend to their own needs for support, rest, self-esteem, etc., can better meet the needs of their children. Single parents may want to find other adults who can also provide role modelling and caring
attachments for their children. Big Brothers and Big Sisters are another resource, which links children with volunteers interested in acting as a big brother or sister to a younger child. These volunteers provide important relationships for
children and youth, as well as giving some respite time for single parents. Community centres, multicultural programs or religious bodies can also provide needed fellowship and support for new immigrants.
Welcome to Canada. Get as much
information as you can about services and resources available to you and your children as new immigrants. Information Services of Vancouver provides information and referral services to the public (call 604-875-6381 or go online). Take
advantage of the supports available to help you and your children engage in your new community and, like the river to the ocean, over time become an integral part of Canada.
Dr. Marilyn G. Chotem, Ed.D., is a registered psychologist #773 with a private practice in North Vancouver. Of Russian-Jewish heritage, Chotem was born in Seattle, Washington, and moved to Canada in 1975. |
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"SPANKING - Is
it Discipline or Abuse?"
By Dr. Marilyn G. Chotem July 2003
The Family Examiner Much controversy surrounds spanking. The current, popular belief is that spanking is so detrimental to the
child that it should be made illegal. Whether or not that would prevent child abuse and raise socially appropriate adults - is another question. From the point of view of the effect of spanking on children, we have a lot of research as well
as practical advice to parents so that they don't need to spank. The camps seem to be between traditionalists, like Christian Psychologist, Dr. James Dobson, who advocates the use of spanking when the authority of the parent needs to be
shown to the child, and Child Psychologists and educators who believe there are better ways to discipline.
So what is discipline? Basically, discipline is any means used to shape behaviour. Ultimately, that reduces to the carrot or
the stick. We motivate people by rewards or aversions. Children, like pets, can become obnoxious when overly indulged. Limits to unpleasant behaviours do need to be set. Abuse, however, does not set limits nor teach appropriate alternative
behaviours. Abuse violates another person's integrity, safety and respect, and teaches fear and submission. It is traumatic.
Whether spanking is abuse or discipline depends on the relationship between the parent and child, the
frequency of spanking, the severity of the hitting, and the parent's overall psychological health. Parents who abuse their children are unable to empathize with their children, or own their mistakes as parents. Alternatively, parents who
love their children, but believe in spanking as discipline are usually able to convey love and forgiveness to the child, as well as empathy for the effect of the spanking. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is a Biblical quote that
unfortunately has been exploited to justify abusing children. An unempathic rod teaches compliance and fear, and leads to anger which is either "acted in", as in eating disorders, or "acted out" in antisocial kinds of behaviours. Because
trauma is severe and disabling, the risk of causing childhood trauma would caution one to develop alternatives to spanking. There are many.
Dr. Elliott Barker, Director of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children
writes:
"Kids who have their needs met early by loving parents. . . are subject totally and thoroughly to the most severe form of 'discipline' conceivable: they refrain from 'bad' behaviour because they love you so much! In other words,
children who love their parents, called 'attachment' by Psychologists are more likely to want to be 'good' rather than 'bad'."
Dr. Barker advocates picking your
fights carefully. He says
"If you haven't cluttered the airwaves between you and your child with a thousand stupid 'don'ts' over your Royal Doulton china, or not eating their dessert before the main course, or not finishing their spinach,
or not doing this or that, then those few situations where it really matters because of safety and impropriety don't need anything approaching the connotation of 'discipline' to ensure appropriate behaviour."
Barbara Coloroso is a
dedicated and entertaining parent educator who lectures to large audiences of parents in Canada and the USA with the theme: "Kids Are Worth It". She talks about three parenting styles from passive "jellyfish" to "backbone" (strong but
flexible and democratic) to "brick wall" (autocratic). She advocates for limiting your restrictions to those things that are essential for the safety and well being of your child. She describes ways to motivate responsible behaviours without
yelling or hitting. She ultimately advocates methods of parenting that honour the child's self-worth, and teach respect and responsibility, by showing respect and having age appropriate expectations of the child.
Children's needs
change across developmental stages. In the first year of life, the child develops trust when it experiences the secure base of loving caretakers who are sensitive to the infant's needs, and respond in an optimal time frame. Children in the
first year of life need to be held, adored, related to, enjoyed and protected. 'Spanking" at this stage is indeed, abuse.
In the second year of life, also known as the 'terrible twos', the child starts to explore the world around it.
Now it needs the security of the parent's availability, interest, and readiness to protect from danger. The child moves out toward the world, and back to the primary caregiver(s). Also, at age two, the cingulate gyrus portion of the brain is
developing. The cingulate gyrus gets "stuck" or overfocused and oppositional which explains why two-year olds say "no" to everything. The pre-frontal cortex is the area of the brain responsible for rational thought, and develops
after the cingulate gyrus, around age three. Thus, you can reason with an older child, but a two year old needs distraction to be redirected. This is often a time of crisis for parents, and they need to hold on to their tempers and their patience.
They also need good coping strategies so they can stay calm in the face of adversity.
Help for Harried Parents
Many parents have found Dr. Thomas Phelan's book "1-2-3 Magic" a life saver. He
has developed a method that uses "one" as a warning signal; Two as an advanced warning signal; and Three as the final count before applying a consequence. His method teaches the parent to:
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Give the child three chances; The parent gives one explanation; The parent's authority is not negotiable; The consequence is short, sweet and reasonable; The consequence doesn't engender anger in the child.
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The usual consequence advocated is a time out, but all consequences need to be appropriate to the misbehaviour and the child's personality and sensitivity. It should also
take into consideration the underlying motivation of the child for the misbehaviour.
While parent education classes abound, and lots of good advice is available, when faced with misbehaviour, our reason often goes out the window.
Reflexes may take over that are emotion driven. Suddenly, we may act in ways we regret, perhaps in ways that we were parented. Experiential learning is certainly the strongest, and most automatic. But hitting is not effective
discipline, and when a parent succumbs to reflexive parenting, it's important to acknowledge one's mistakes to the child, while also teaching the child corrective behaviours.
The best prevention of destructive discipline is good
self-care as a parent. Parents who were hit as children may benefit from psychotherapy that helps them resolve repressed pain and anger; and diminish the chances of doing to the child what was done to them. Learning to communicate
assertively will reduce frustration and get quicker results, before tempers rise. Good stress management is essential for good parenting. Set realistic expectations of yourself. Practice self-appreciation and beware of self-criticism. Take
breaks. Arrange time for intimacy and/or socializing. Do parent-exchanges so you can get breaks from the often relentless demands of young children. And remember, you are creating future adults who will behave toward themselves and others as
they have been treated.
Submitted by: Marilyn Chotem, Ed.D., Registered Psychologist #773 |
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